Archive for the ‘Snark’ Category

This Just In: The Mayans Also Predicted…

December 22, 2012

…that Mitt Romney would win the 2012 election.

Well, the world is still here and Romney is gone.

Happy holidays everyone!

NRA Shoots Its Mouth Off

August 15, 2012

Yet another mass shooting, this time in Texas.

When reached by phone for comment, a spokesperson for the National Rifle Association said “This is why our organization continues to press for increased access to guns.  Like the other recent shootings, if the victims had been armed, they would have been able to stop the shooter.”

“You do know the first victim was a Constable, right?”

“CLICK…. BRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR…”

BREAKING: DNC Gave RNC Millions

August 13, 2012

According to an earlier report, President Obama was thought to owe a huge tax bill due to what appeared to be the largest gift in history.

Documents filed by the Republican National Committee and the Mitt Romney Presidential Campaign appear to put that issue to rest.  According to the documents, the selection of Congressman Paul Ryan (R-WI) as Romney’s Vice Presidential running mate was actually paid for by the Democratic National Committee.

According to a DNC spokesperson, “This payment to the  RNC is not a political contribution in exchange for a political favor.  Instead this is the common practice of hiring outside consultants to help shape a campaign.  In the case of the DNC, we have been spending millions of dollars over the past six months trying to tie Mitt Romney to Paul Ryan’s budget proposals to end Medicare and turn it into a voucher program, but we hadn’t gotten the traction we were hoping for.  The RNC and its affiliated propaganda arms, Fox News and the Wall Street Journal, came up with a proposal to help us make that connection.  We thought it was brilliant, and gave them the green light to go ahead with the marketing campaign for us.”

The Federal Election Commission is looking into the ramifications of this move.  “Probably the biggest concern for us,” said one FEC official, ” is that any contribution to the Romney campaign that pays for an ad that mentions that Paul Ryan is Romney’s running mate may end up being considered an in-kind contribution to the Obama campaign.”

BREAKING: Obama May Declare Bankruptcy

August 13, 2012

IRS officials are said to be poised to slap President Obama with a huge tax bill, so large the Democrat may have to declare bankruptcy.

At issue is the Gift Tax, and Mitt Romney’s announcement today that Paul Ryan will be his running mate.

“This announcement is a huge gift to Obama.  In fact it is the largest gift I have seen in my career,” said one IRS official.  “We have appraisers working right now to try to assess the value of this gift, but so far the closest to a valuation we have gotten is ‘Priceless'”.  Once we have a better handle on the dollar value of this gift, we’ll be presenting the President with a bill.”

Independent experts say the value is so high that the tax bill will likely cause Obama to have to declare bankruptcy.

Get Rid of Job-Killing Regulations

July 11, 2012

The solution to the economic mess is to get rid of those job-killing regulations.  Obviously.

That way we can get back to freely killing what really needs to be killed.

See, despite the fact that we, the top 1%, are richer than we have ever been, despite the fact that our earnings have skyrocketed while your wages have dropped; despite that,  because of regulatory capture (our guys are now running the show at the agencies that are supposed to be regulating us) and budget cuts made at the behest of our lobbyists, the rules aren’t being enforced and fines aren’t being collected; despite the fact that you no longer matter in the process of making laws; despite all this, we need to get rid of those job-killing regulations.

For example… Black Lung is on the rise again.  Remember Black Lung?  The disease miners used to get by breathing coal-dust choked air in the mines, before those job-killing regulations were enacted that tied our hands, saved thousands of lives, and made us unprofitable ? (Well, not so unprofitable that we, the top 1%, were unable to enrich ourselves to the point that we now own the lawmaking and regulatory processes.)  No, you don’t remember?  Good, then our cuts to the educational system have worked.

So as I was saying, Black Lung is on the rise again, because we have re-written the regulations to make sure we don’t have to obey the law.  When our cheating on air quality tests (by sealing off the testing equipment from the air that the workers actually breathe) is insufficient to fool mine safety inspectors (like, when the quantity of dust becomes so bad that the mine blows up, and it is OBVIOUS that we haven’t been actually and honestly performing the tests) and the inspectors find that the air in the mines is toxic to the miners and unsafe to work in, we have to retest the air five times ourselves before we can eliminate the piddly fine that we would have been assessed.   (One reporter said it is like getting pulled over for speeding, but instead of getting a ticket, the officer gives you a pad of paper and a pen, and says he wants you to write down the speed you are going the next five times you drive at that location, and if what you write down is less than the speed limit, you don’t have to pay the ticket.)

Five times!  What a hassle!

And the fact of the matter is that, while Black Lung is on the rise again, and workers are dying again, the death rate is still not what it was before those job-killing regulations, which means there are still safety measures in place that weren’t there before those job-killing regulations were enacted.  Which means expense, which comes out of MY earnings.  I shouldn’t have to pay for those safety measures.  They are job-killers.

We need to get back to freely killing what really needs to be killed…

You.

Regulations Kill Jobs

May 24, 2012

Regulations are bad! They hold people back, prevent economic progress… toward doom!

Ever wonder how to create conditions for a crash? Now you know.

(Thanks again to American Progress for the funny daily cartoons, like this one! You can see their archive and sign up for the daily funny in your inbox here.)

Not-Romney Still Getting >25% of Conservative Votes

May 18, 2012

Santorum and Newter are out of the race, and Paul has stopped spending money on campaigning. 

My disappointment knows no bounds.

Now all we are left with isEtch-A-Mitt

And yet, despite the foregone conclusion, despite the fact that there aren’t any other candidates in the race, Etch-A-Mitt is still struggling to get three-quarters of his own party to vote for him.

Mitt needs your support! Visit his new website today!

Why the NH Primary Doesn’t Count, And the SC Primary Does

January 11, 2012

In a word, “ObamneyCare“.

Only those Northern liberals who pretend to be Republicans would vote a socialist like Romney to head the conservative ticket.

The only place you’ll wind up with a True Conservative candidate as the winner is a truly Conservative state, like South Carolina.

So ignore the northern Socialist “Republicans”, they don’t count as True Conservatives.

Stick A Fork In Him, He’s Done

January 10, 2012

R.I.P. Rick Perry’s political run.

😦

lol

The Santorum Problem

January 7, 2012

Why is it so easy?  You can always count on the stupid, crazy people say stupid, crazy things.

Rick Santorum (beneficiary of the core base of the Republican party struggling to find a stupid, crazy person that shares their stupid, crazy views without being, well, dumb as a box of hair or bat-shit crazy) is about to follow the path of the earlier darlings of the wingnuts.

Rick Santorum has some problems.

Rick Santorum has a sex problem.

Rick doesn’t like the gay.  And while that is fine for him to be uninterested in gay sex in his personal life, he has chosen to fight a battle that he’s already lost.  Acceptance of homosexuality as non-criminal (as opposed to beastiality, which he mistakenly compares it to) has been the norm for decades.  And acceptance of gay marriage, while not yet universal, is following suit.

Rick Santorum has a Google problem.

Santorum’s gay problem has led to a Google problem.  LMGTFY.  If the election were held today (and it is), “Santorum” would be the result of a gay sex act.  The web has spoken.

Rick Santorum has a race problem.

He said it.  He meant it.  He was only stating the cultural meme by which the Tea Party look at government.  Which will get him that segment of the vote, but will kill his chances in the general election, hence the attempt at retraction. 

Face it, Rick Santorum has a Santorum problem.


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